Love Lessons"Before doing my story, I had
never even thought about many
of the things in the story
template, and they’re important."
V.B.
Is this how I get the love of my life?
Handcuffs are not the kind of surrendering I’m talking about. Here’s what I mean. When you’re troubled over a confusing relationship, and you don’t know where it’s going or what to do, you’re thinking he’s the love of my life, but his behavior says he may be thinking this isn’t working for me.
Then your girlfriend tells you just to surrender and let go of the outcome, and that if it’s meant to be, it will be. Ugh! None of us likes that kind of advice when things are falling apart or we feel threatened in some way with a relationship.
And what does that saying mean anyway? And how do you actually do that when your emotions are strong and you really want the relationship to work?
I feel surrendering and letting go of the outcome requires a whole lot of clarity about what you want in a man, what your expectations are for him, and the way you want to feel with him 24/7. When you have that clear image, along with his qualities and those feelings rooted inside you, you have a frame of reference and a place to check in with yourself about what’s really happening with this relationship. If you don’t have a clear frame of reference, your emotions will take over and can put you into a downward spiral. It may even cause you to start pressuring a man, or worse—do things that will make you even crazier, such as driving by his home to see if he’s there or trying to make him jealous.
With clarity and commitment to yourself to have the kind of man you want, you’ll be able to give yourself a reality check to see if you’re moving too fast and not giving it time to blossom. Perhaps you’re worried he hasn’t made a commitment to you, even though everything is great when you’re together and your connection is strong. Or maybe you’re trying to read his mind too much and making up stories in your head about what he must be thinking or doing.
I had an experience with surrendering and letting go when I met my husband who turned out to be the love of my life. At that time, he was seeing a 25-year-old woman (half his age) and was dating both of us simultaneously. While I was very attracted to him, I remained in what I call observation mode versus desperation mode and released my attachment to the outcome. Did I have a momentary shake when I knew he was out with her? Yes, because I’m human, but it quickly passed when I’d remind myself that I could only be content with a man who wanted me as much as I wanted him. I would not try to convince him that I was the ONE. I wasn’t jealous and felt no need to compete with a woman who was twenty years younger. I also didn’t need to pass judgment on him for dating a younger woman.
Why would I compete to win him over? It was not a contest; it was my life and I was choosing what works for me. I’d mentally refer back to my detailed description of the love of my life that I’d written almost a year before meeting him. In that story I wrote about his qualities, our life together, and how I wanted to feel with him in various everyday occurrences. I was still observing him in different situations to see how well he matched my needs.
Now, I could have gone into desperation mode (been there done that) and tortured myself worrying about what they were doing, talking about, and what he might be thinking. I could have felt a little insulted that he didn’t fall in love with me at first sight and drop this other woman immediately. But instead, I’d say to myself, “If it turns out that she’s who he wants, then he’s not right for me.” We still needed to get to know each other much better. As I fell more in love with him, my heart would ache a bit when I knew they were out together, but I never brought up her name or questioned him about his whereabouts. Talk about surrendering and letting go of the outcome! That was the ultimate test for me, so I know it’s possible for other women.
As it turned out, within two months he decided to break it off completely with her since he was in love with me. If you want more information on observation and desperation mode, check out my book Choose Him.
Have any of you had an experience with surrendering that you’d like to share below?
