Love Lessons
The more I focused on how I didn’t want controlling men, the more I became a magnet for them. Once I defined what I wanted and started to focus on having an adaptable, easy-going man, the more those types of men showed up.
You may have heard the phrase “chaos before order.” It means that things often need to come apart so they can be put together in a new way that works better—and this includes your life. A practical example is cleaning your closet, which can be an overwhelming task. When you finally start the project and take everything out, it looks like an even bigger mess, yet you know that diving in and putting it back together is going to produce a satisfying and much-needed result.
This process you’re undergoing is like the Big Closet Cleanout. You’re transforming stagnant energy and making decisions about what works for you and what doesn’t work any longer. You may struggle with what to hold onto and what to send to Goodwill or the dumpster. Any major
change is a decision that can initially be uncomfortable and your resistance may be strong. But when you finally make the shift, it feels great to reorganize your life in a fresh, new way. You
feel a sense of orderliness, clarity, and lightness in your body.
In the February 2008 issue of O! magazine, Martha
Beck wrote a fascinating article, “Go Tell Alice,” describing
what happens when we try to create from a
powerless place. In the following quote, she refers to
creating from superficial ideals and lists versus creating
from your core and essence:
“When you’re operating from the Shallows,
you see yourself as isolated and separate. Your
behavior consists of running from things you
dread and grasping onto things you desire… The
magic lists people make in the Shallows reflect
their obsession with stuff—getting it, keeping it
…Fortunately, below the crust of the Shallows is an aspect of consciousness I call the
Core of Peace. We can reach this whether we’re rich or poor, married or single, famous
or totally unknown—in fact, we’ve already reached it, because it is our essence. Sadly,
most of us never realize this. We’re so obsessed with the Shallows that we lose touch
with our Core. We experience the disconnection as an aching inner void, which we
diligently try to fill with more Shallow goodies…When my clients are in the Shallows, I
can tell that the dreams they describe just won’t fly; when they’re speaking from their
Core, I feel a kind of ‘click,’ like a puzzle piece fitting in place, and I know I’ll see their
dreams come true.”
This process is the exact opposite of being in the Shallows. When you create from your Core
you’re being true to yourself and clear about what you want deep down. When you embrace
what’s true (real to you) and give up what’s not true (superficial), you free up energy to receive
what you want most.
In order to clearly define and attract the man of your dreams, you must be in the right state of mind and heart, create from your core, feel the feelings of what your life will be like with this
new Dream Man, and believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that he will arrive. Think of this process as an artichoke: you’re peeling back layers (symbolic of limiting beliefs) to get a guy and get to the heart and core of who you truly are. Then you’ll be creating from a place that says you can have
and you deserve whatever you allow yourself to receive.
It’s critical that you know what you love and value and what your core essence is. When I speak of essence, I’m referring to your authenticity. What is true about you deep inside? When you
strip away all the titles, roles, and activities you do, what remains is your inner core, heart, spirit,soul, ideals, and fundamental nature. Knowing yourself means being aware of your feelings,
emotional reactions, and what you care about.
Once you’ve created new beliefs, you’re ready to bring
clarity to what you love and value. This allows you to
create the story of what you want from a place of knowing
who you are and what you want rather than who
he might want you to be and what you should want.
These activities are an important step in acknowledging
who you are, what you value, and what’s negotiable
and nonnegotiable. Know thyself and attract the right
man to you.
Time to Take a Breather
Whew! At this point, take a moment to reflect on your revelations and new thoughts. Now that
you’ve taken a good look at where you’ve invested yourself in old, limiting beliefs and romantic
patterns, next you’ll get to examine your magnetic qualities and the beauty in you. This is the
beginning of your exploration and acknowledgment of the TRUE YOU. If you’ve had additional insights beyond these topics, take time to note them here.
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The purpose of this activity is to help you get centered in
who you are in your essence as a human being and what
you care about in life. It’s far easier for other people to
see the beauty in you when you can see it yourself. When
I first did this exercise, I thought it was going to be
difficult, but once I got started, it was fun and fulfilling.
Recognize, receive, and embrace who you really are in
your core. Make sure to describe only positive attributes.
One more important thing to consider: There are many
facets of you, different sides that you show selectively to
other people or maybe display only when you’re alone.
We sometimes think that we don’t know who we are
because we feel like several or many different people. Part of this is because society tells us that we’re supposed to define ourselves by the things we do and accomplish. Being authentic,
however, means allowing yourself to be dynamic and true to yourself. Give yourself permission to explore and express all of your aspects, styles, roles, talents, personalities, eccentricities, and
aspirations. As we continue to uncover our authenticity, the definition of who we are continues
to expand since we live in a cycle of self-discovery and exploration. It’s a natural part of our
current evolution and unique potential; and besides, we become more authentic, interesting,
fulfilled, and have a lot more fun when we allow the full expression of ourselves to surface.
Contemplate the following questions and write down some thoughts about them in the space
below:
• What do you wish people knew about you?
• What qualities do you suspect you may keep hidden from others?
• What aspects of your real self make you feel vulnerable?
• What traits do you wish others would value about you?
• What would your close friends be surprised to learn about you?
___________________________________________________________
The statements below focus on internal qualities and states
of being that form a person’s character and approach to
life. When you write your own I AM statements, omit
external examples such as specific activities you do. This
includes roles, such as mother, entrepreneur, caretaker, or
volunteer. Internal qualities are descriptive of your essence
and your spirit. Ironically, these are the things people often
say about a person at their funeral. The purpose of
this exercise is for you to focus on your internal qualities
to express who you really are before you pass on. This is
an opportunity to reacquaint yourself with you. When I
first did this exercise, my head started to spin. At first it
was difficult for me to separate the work I do and the things I’ve accomplished from who I am at my core and in my essence. Get started and really dig deep to pat yourself on the back.
Acknowledge the true you. Here are a few examples of internal qualities:
??I am kind and generous.
??I am a hard worker.
??I am a good person.
??I am a good listener.
??I am funny.
??I am willing to change and grow.
??I am smart.
??I am spiritual.
??I am soft and feminine.
Anything goes as long as you mean it when you write it. As you complete the following statements,
really feel the feelings of what it’s like to access your true self, your authenticity. Fill in
as many blanks below as you like or add more lines.
I want to know how to get a man who is the love of my life.
Now explore what you value in life. Again, the list could be endless. Here are some routes to
access your own values. Contemplate:
• What do you long for, what’s missing in your life?
• What do you never have enough time for?
• What do you always make a priority that gives you pleasure?
• What can you always summon physical energy for?
• What do you admire in others?
• What do you aspire to as a way of life?
• Given a month off, how would you spend it?
• What excites you, revs up your heart rate?
_______________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
Feel free to keep writing. Later on, once you attract him and feel traction in the relationship,
this can be a great list to share with your Dream Man. Next we’ll uncover why you want this
relationship.
My Deepest Motivation for Wanting a Relationship
This exercise prompts you to choose the one
core reason you want to be in a relationship.
Please be honest with yourself—no one is
watching or judging you. You want to create a
story that is from your heart and truth. Being
honest with yourself about this question will
help you create a vision of the man you truly
want in your life. It will be far easier to establish
and internalize your priorities knowing
your deepest motivation. If not, you’ll be
sending mixed signals and repeating more of
the same disappointing relationships. Oftentimes the frustration and bitterness we so often see
in women and the confusion so often professed by men results from our inability to truly embrace
the answer to this question. While several of these statements may apply to you, choose
only ONE answer, the one that most resonates—or write your own.
??I want to be married, be a mother, and raise a family.
??I want a companion to share my life with.
??I want a partner to combine our finances for a better lifestyle.
??I want someone who values me for all that I am.
??I want a man who inspires and encourages me to pursue my purpose/my work.
??I want to love and be loved unconditionally.
??I want a partner to share in important life experiences.
??I want a man to make me feel alive and excited about life.
??I want a regular sexual partner.
??I want to feel safe and secure.
??I want intellectual stimulation and challenge.
??I want someone to grow old with.
…more>
??I want a man who’s interested in having an equal partnership, in which we mutually
support each other in our dreams.
??I want a man who supports me emotionally/financially/as a mentor.
??State your own, but refine it to just one reason.
My deepest motivation for wanting a relationship is to get a man to take care of me and read love poetry to me.
I want to find true love and the love of my life.
This last exercise may have been very emotional for you, perhaps even overwhelming. Are you
surprised by anything you uncovered? How does stating your truth make you feel?
Now that you’ve identified some of your old beliefs and opened yourself up to new ways of
thinking, I want to encourage you to really dream big. Open your mind to the possibility that you can have exactly the sort of man who would fit into most, if not all, of your pictures of an ideal relationship. Stop and take a moment to really feel yourself move into a state of allowing,
of opening to all possibilities. For those of you who need to feel in control, this may feel like a temporary surrender. That’s okay. This process actually puts you in the driver’s seat and gives
you a stronger sense of controlling your life by being intentional rather than leaving it up to fate to determine chance encounters with men who appear in your life.
Get a New Attitude
The Choose Him Process approaches romantic partnering by redefining
your view of yourself, your role, your choices, and how
you choose a partner. This awakening process is intended to shift
your beliefs and orientation to a place of authentic personal power
and to move away from contrived and superficial empowerment
that is not sustainable. You might find that it moves you from the
old perspective of trying to catch a man (through manipulation or
determining what he wants and then temporarily becoming that)
to the perspective of finding a compatible, energetic match for
you that will lead to an authentic and lasting relationship.
The next section talks about what happens when I realized I really do get to choose.
