Love Lessons
After swearing off of online dating for six months, Arielle decided to sign up with a new
matchmaking site, only this time it was going to be different. Dating was so stressful because
she was always doubting her own acceptability and was looking for validation from the men
she met. “I was so tired of feeling badly about myself from two failed marriages, childhood
baggage, and thinking I was defective, and I was tired of waiting for a man to start my life,”
she said. She made a pact with herself to get happy in her life and start to be grateful and
truly receive and value what she already had, especially all of her good friends.
She decided that this time, instead of a very general profile listing the qualities she wanted in
a man, she was going to be very specific and ask for exactly what she wanted. In the past she
was hesitant to be too specific for fear she would discourage too many prospects and didn’t
want to seem like a “picky bitch.” This time she had an attitude that she would post only one
photo instead of the usual seven, and focus her profile on what she was looking for rather
than describing so much about herself. When Arielle was contacted by Sol, she looked at the
photo and saw that he was overweight and not her type at all. Even a couple of comments he
had in his profile disturbed her, but she couldn’t tell if he was serious or trying to be funny. He
continued to pursue her, so she finally decided to meet him for coffee, hoping he would look
more attractive in person. Well, he didn’t, and she was disappointed. But he was so entertaining
and interesting and they had so much in common that by the end of their two-hour coffee
date, Arielle noticed that Sol had become more attractive. She continued to see him, and with
each subsequent date Sol became increasingly more attractive. His wonderful personality,
kindness, and genuine nature transformed his looks. It’s been eight months since they met,
and things are going strong. Arielle said, “He matches 99 percent of everything I wanted in
my Dream Man. He’s sensitive, romantic, thoughtful, hardworking, and has a big life. There’s
nothing nagging at me thinking there could be someone better for me.”
What To Know Before Diving into Dating
It’s important to understand that your new beliefs don’t change the realities of your hormones
and biological makeup. Here are some things that can get you into trouble:
During the early stage of dating, it’s common for men and women to present themselves in the
most positive light. The instinctual primitive mating dance begins, in which a couple exhibits
newfound energy, performs at their peak, and struts their best attributes. They’re compelled to
impress each other, and therefore become more interesting, exciting, romantic, and uplifting. A
strong physical attraction stimulates the release of chemicals commonly called love hormones,
including adrenalin, dopamine, and endorphins, that trigger a state of euphoria in couples.
This rapturous elation seems to cause each of their lives to suddenly make sense; it’s exhilarating,
sparking optimism about unlimited potential for their life together. Passion connects their
hearts to beat as one, emanating a palpable sense of completeness. This could be it—The One.
They naturally fall into playing roles for each other’s unspoken illusion that this person is certain
to make the other’s life fulfilling, secure, meaningful, and joyful—forever. I’ll play the part
you want and you’ll play the part I want. Their hormonal high emboldens them to delude each
other with fantasies about who they think they are, who they wish they were, or perhaps who
they used to be in high school. Unfortunately, it’s often not who they actually are now—nor is it
likely this is who they will ever be. This is a temporary, fleeting state.
Chemical Bondage
This is the magical dance of coupling that we crave
and are addicted to like an illicit drug. Similar to a
drug high, our judgment is severely impaired during
this ecstatic and blissful state. We’re seduced by the
hormonal hallucinogens whirling in our heads and
titillating our loins. Over time, however, as the hormones
gradually stabilize and we return to our natural
state, we suddenly begin to notice the conspicuous
flaws in our formerly perfect mate—and we no longer
desire to play our part anymore.
During intense emotional states, and particularly with
orgasm, women and men release a hormone (oxytocin)
that stimulates bonding and attachment to their
partner. Testosterone somewhat neutralizes oxytocin
in men, and women produce substantially more of
the chemical, which means women form stronger attachments.
Our primitive nesting instinct kicks into
gear, and we become trapped in emotional addiction,
blinded to a man’s blatant defects. But it’s too late:
We’re hooked. Our lover becomes our drug dealer and we become junkies willing to sacrifice
our needs, dreams, friends, and even our self-respect for our next fix.
What woman hasn’t overdosed from the out-of-control spiral into chemical bondage? I know
I’ve been there, done that. Symptoms show up in many forms. How many do you remember
displaying? Go ahead and circle all that apply:
• Falling in love with a man’s potential instead of seeing who he really is right now.
• Putting your life on hold and his priorities ahead of yours.
• Feeling rejected and devastated when he doesn’t call.
• Competing with other women when you’re not even sure he’s right for you.
• Snooping through his email account and text messages and rifling through his pockets
and drawers for clues.
• Doing drive-bys or surveillance on his house to check if he’s home.
• Sending yourself flowers “from an old boyfriend” to make him jealous.
• Disliking or being jealous of his old girlfriend for no particular reason.
• Trying to convince yourself and everyone else you know that he is The One.
If you’ve ever indulged in that sort of behavior, what have you learned from it now that you’ve
changed your old patterns and beliefs about the type of relationship you want to be in? What
are some warning signs that might tempt you to revert to this type of behavior?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________ .
Please know it is possible to neutralize our hormonally
induced, temporary insanity. The first
step is to be aware of what’s causing this wacky,
desperate behavior. My point is that since we
know these behaviors are symptomatic of the
traditional (and outdated) mating game, it’s
crucial to be prepared with an antidote to jolt us
back into reality and remind us what truly matters
for the long term. Your Dream Man story
is your antidote. Think of it as your internal
speedometer that enables you to gauge how fast you’re going before you speed out of control
from lust and chemical bondage. Your story is your reality check, a tangible reference tool,
similar to a roadmap that leads to your destiny. It guides you back to your path and helps you
avoid getting sidetracked by transient hitchhikers.
Shelly ’s Story :
Chemical Bondage and Unrequited Love Turning into
Desperation
Shelly’s story is a classic. She was at her wit’s end, wondering if she was far more in love with
her man than he was with her. She was certain he was The One, but he wasn’t matching her
intensity, and it was driving her bonkers. “One day I knew I had to have an answer or I was
going to rip my hair out,” she confided. “So I waited outside his office for him to leave work.
Then I emerged from behind some bushes wearing a big sign around my neck with large red
letters. It said: Love me or shoot me. I wasn’t kidding. Michael must have read the desperation
in my eyes, because he came towards me as if approaching a feral cat. But then he took my
hand and broke off our relationship right there in the parking lot. In some ways it was a relief.
At least I had my answer. I just wish I knew then what I know now.”
Dealing with the Paradox
Now for what can be the most difficult part—detaching from the outcome. You may be thinking,
How can I feel the feelings of having him and then let go of attachment to outcome? What this
means is that while you’ve identified and embraced the feelings of what you want, you don’t try
to force or manipulate the outcome. Releasing inner resistance and letting go of attachment
to outcome is trusting the process and allowing it to happen naturally. Allowing comes from
a place of trust and creates an opening and space for what you want. When you try to force
or manipulate a relationship, it comes from a place of fear and control and is constricting and
repelling, which sends out energetic signals of desperation and doubt. Remember, choosing is
not chasing. Allowing is surrendering to trust and a sense of deserving what’s right for you.
Letting go of outcome is trusting that there are many available choices, an abundant farmers’
market. It’s the ultimate honoring of yourself. Every time your thoughts wander to fear
or self-doubt, you must pull them back to what you deserve, then center yourself in trust and
patience.
Between You and Me: What’s Right For Me
Even after I met my Dream Man, I had to remain in surrender and allowing. He was seeing
a twenty-five-year-old woman (half his age) and was dating both of us simultaneously. While
I was attracted to him, I remained in observation mode and released my attachment to the
outcome. Did I have a momentary shake when I knew he was out with her? Yes, because I’m
human, but it quickly passed when I would remind myself that I could only be content with a
man who wanted me as much as I wanted him. I wasn’t jealous and felt no need to compete
with a woman who was twenty years younger. I didn’t need to pass judgment on him for
dating a younger woman. I was still observing him in different situations to see how well he
matched my needs. Why would I compete to win him over? It was not a contest; it was my life
and I was choosing. I would mentally refer back to my story and say to myself, If she’s who
he wants, then he’s not right for me. I never brought her name up to him or questioned his
whereabouts.
After about two months, he ended up telling the younger woman that he was in love with me.
She asked him to go with her to a one-time counseling session to help her get through their
break-up. He asked me if it was okay with me to do this. I told him I understood how she must
feel and that it was a good idea. They went to the session and their relationship ended. Did
I do a victory dance? No, I felt empathy for her. I’d been there myself, and I observed a new
facet of my Dream Man’s sensitivity and integrity.
Remain in Observation Mode and avoid desperation
In my journey to attract my Dream Man, I continually
reminded myself that I was choosing the man of
my dreams—not waiting to be chosen by him or
changing who I was to fit into his world. When I
dated, I would mentally refer to my Dream Man
story and notice whether my date’s qualities matched
my needs. I also paid attention to my feelings. Did
his way of being and behavior resonate with my
heart’s desires? I call this practice observation mode.
There’s a distinct difference between observation
mode and desperation mode, which is described below.
I also noticed that when I did meet my Dream Man,
everything flowed naturally. Nothing was forced,
and there was no need to fix anything about who he was inside (his essence) or how he treated
me. To this day, he’s the same wonderful man I was first attracted to, and he treats me with the
same respect and love that he did when I met him.
One of these modes will get you what you want and the other will leave you miserable (or, at
a minimum, stuck in short-lived romances). You’re going to begin to attract men with a lot of
the qualities in your story. Refrain from “fishing from the shallows” by immediately jumping to
the conclusion that this must be him. Take your time and remain in observation mode for at least
a few months, even if he seems absolutely perfect. Make sure he fits your desires and needs and
that he really is who you believe him to be. As I mentioned, we’re usually on our best behavior
during the first two or three months of a relationship, so give it some time. You can have
fun, play in the hormonal high, feel as if you’re falling in love—but frequently take breathers
and check in with what you’ve observed about this man. What is real and lasting and what is
temporary fantasy? One of my recent clients told me that she isn’t latching onto any particular
one of the new, wonderful men who’ve begun to appear—she’s keeping her options open and
excited about who will show up next. She knows she has choices.
Observation Mode Defined
This is the time to be ever-watchful of a man’s behavior and patterns to see whether there is
energetic compatibility or not. Contemplate the following questions:
• What questions does he ask about you? Is he interested in your work, background,
friends, hobbies, things you like to do, etc?
• How well does he listen to you and to others?
• Does he allow room or give you a sense of freedom to be more of who you are?
• Is he supportive and encouraging about your aspirations? Is he even curious?
• How does he treat you and other people in different situations?
• What red flags appear? The matching qualities will be obvious, but pay attention to the
qualities that don’t match. What are his subtle mismatching qualities that contradict the
essence of your Dream Man story?
• See how you feel with him around different groups of people, such as his family,
coworkers, and friends; during activities or sports and in public; notice how he treats
service people in restaurants, retail stores, or maintenance people.
• How is he in traffic or a stressful situation?
• How does he speak about his previous relationships
and women he has dated?
• What are his communication habits and opinions
about the world, how considerate is he of
you and others?
• What’s his work ethic and what are his feelings
about his career and future goals?
• How jealous, possessive, or secure is he?
• How generous is he with you and his friends?
• How honest is he, and does he have integrity?
• How does he handle conflict or disagreements with you and others?
Observation mode is about staying realistic
and seeing him as he really is and not thinking
you can make him into someone you think he
can be (his potential is your fantasy). Observation
mode means noticing how you feel in each
situation and asking yourself important questions:
• Can you live with this forever, 24/7?
• Is this what you truly want?
• Does this behavior give you energy or drain your energy?
• Would you want your sister, daughter, or friend involved in this kind of relationship? Is
it what you would dream for them? Would it be empowering or disempowering; would
they flourish or shrink?
• Do you feel safe, natural, and at ease with him? Or do you feel anxious, uncomfortable,
or like you’re trying too hard to please or impress him?
• Based on your Dream Man story, what other questions should you ask yourself to see if
this is a true dream match?
___________________________________________ .
Keep in mind that observation is not the same as judgment,
which implies you’re looking for things that are
wrong with him. Observation is focusing your attention
on what is right for you. It’s a totally different
mindset and way of being that is very empowering to
you and is not negative or condescending to anyone.
In observation mode, you can lie in bed at night and
feel happy and grateful for the life you’re creating and
trust that the right man will show up soon. You can take pride in your internal knowing that
you deserve a wonderful relationship with the man of your dreams. You can let go of the outcome
and know in your heart that you’ll attain what you want in a man or be happy and at
peace remaining single. Observation mode is living in your newly empowered belief system.
Observation mode feels peaceful, trusting, and patient.
Georgia ’s Story :
Georgia is a thirty-eight-year-old client who had been divorced for two years when she completed
the Choose Him Process. Within two weeks, she met the man she believed was “him”
and called to tell me what a perfect match he was to everything she wanted. She became so
emotional about meeting this perfect man immediately after creating him that she actually
burst into tears within the first fifteen minutes of their first meeting. He treated her wonderfully
and did not make her feel foolish in any way. She dated him a few times and everything
seemed to be going so well, until he suggested that they continue to date other people since
he had only recently left a twenty-five-year marriage. Georgia was reeling from this suggestion
since she felt they were a perfect match. She began to pursue him, believing that she was
“choosing” him and going after what she wanted. Even though she professed to understand
observation mode and the concept of not forcing romance, she insisted that she had dated
many, many men and this man was perfect and absolutely had to be The One. Two weeks
later, he called to let her know that he had met someone else.
She now understands why you must take your time and remain in observation and not get
carried away with your emotions and fantasy-come-true patterns that slip you into desperation
mode. Remember, there is more than one man out there for you who is an ideal match.
Defined
In this mode, you so desperately want a partner that
you try hard to see only the best in the men you meet
and ignore the red flags.
• You see bad behavior or patterns that conflict
with your standards and you still ignore them
or pretend they aren’t important.
• You believe that if only he’d just change this or
that, he’d be perfect.
• You are so turned on by him that you think
the sex could overcome anything and make the
relationship last forever.
• You think that if he would just not fear intimacy that he’d realize how important you are
to him; if he would only give your love a chance, he’d be so happy.
• You psychoanalyze and believe you have the ultimate answers to all he needs, and you’re
sure he can find happiness with you, even though he’s done nothing to consistently
invest in the relationship.
Desperation mode is feeling that there are so few available men out there that you need to
compromise and work hard to hang onto a negative relationship for fear of being alone. Desperation
is having so little self-esteem and love for yourself that you have to convince a man to
love you. It’s about believing that what he thinks of you—and whether he loves you or not—is
more important than what you think of yourself. It’s when you’re waiting for a man to come
into your life before you begin to live and love your own life. It’s believing the fantasy that you
will begin to value and love yourself after the man shows up. Living in desperation mode is your
own special pity party lying in bed at night and asking yourself: Is this all there is to life? Why
can’t I find someone to share my life who truly loves me? What’s wrong with me? You find
yourself asking yourself and your girlfriends: Do you think he loves me? Do you think he’s just
scared? Why doesn’t he call? Is he seeing someone else? Will he quit drinking/flirting/cheating
. . . for me? You can tell by the feeling in your body if your questions are coming from observation
or desperation. Desperation mode feels like anxiety, self-doubt, and fear.
Desperation mode is your old belief system and
old thought patterns in action. It tells you why
you need to settle, what you can’t have, what
won’t ever be, and why it will never work for you.
A multitude of books and movies show cultural
examples of desperation mode in action. Often
the women who do win the guy have to play
games and pretend to be confident and someone
they’re not. This type of deception does not lead
to a lasting romance in real life. You now have a tool that gives you a genuine basis for observation—
your Dream Man story. You don’t have to pretend you’re a woman with high standards
who knows her worth and what she wants. You really are.
“Having recently done the Choose Him Process, there have been some distinct and unanticipated
results. I have noticed that I am meeting more men. In fact, I have met more interesting
men in the past two months than I have in the past two years. The other thing I’m noticing is
that more men take the time to notice me. I get more looks. I’m also discovering authentic
flirtation. By this I mean telling the truth in a fun way without using it as a means to an end. I
can tell a man that he has a gorgeous smile without trying to entice him into asking me out.
I hadn’t anticipated how much more fun things could get. I’m more interested in enjoying
the process and meeting more beautiful men than my old determination to seek, find, and
close the deal. These are all welcome surprises. I’m physically experiencing this new compelling
feeling and finding myself strolling through my life in a way that’s entirely different from
the way I used to rush around. I’m having more fun than ever and finding that patience is no
longer a virtue, but a pleasure.”
10 Resonance List
After all this intense self-examination, there’s one
more list that could serve you well: your Top 5 to
10 Resonance List. Below list the internal qualities
that you simply must have in a partner—things
that must resonate with your heart and your core.
They might include: respectful, trustworthy,
patient, responsible, open-minded, curious,
generous, good-hearted, kind, sense of humor, good
listener, etc. These are not the usual external or
negative qualities that we typically think of as deal
breakers (i.e. non-smoker, having a job, etc.). Go back
to your story and highlight the words or phrases that
light you up, touch your heart, and feel good.
___________________________________________________________
Here are some additional tips that may help you
navigate the dating world. Power boosts are things
you think, do, and talk about to keep you focused
on what you want and in charge of your energy.
Personal power leaks are patterns we slip into that don’t
serve us or the guy. They consist of any actions or old
ways of doing things that are not genuine or that tend to
backfire on us in romance. These situations typically end
up with you feeling let down, empty inside, and doubting
yourself. Your confidence is shaken, confusion sets
in, and your magnetic energy starts to drain away.
1. B elieve your Dream Man will appear. Get in touch with the part of you that knows
you’re worth having him. Review your lists of what you love and value about yourself.
2. S tart being who you are with him now. Live your life to its fullest and do what
makes you feel good and have fun NOW—don’t wait for the man first. His job is not
to make you happy. He wants to meet a fulfilled woman who is already happy and who
brings her authenticity and joy to the relationship. You want to attract a man who’s an
energetic echo and match to you, so start being what you want to attract.
3. L ook beyond what you see. Don’t be too quick to judge men by their appearance. Your
Dream Man may not come in the package you have in your mind. Remember, the right
guy may be disguised in weird hair and outdated or unstylish clothes. You can’t change
him inside, but sometimes you need to polish him up on the outside. A man wants to
please a woman who sees the worthy attributes that he brings to the relationship. Men
who feel appreciated will go to great lengths to earn more of that precious appreciation,
so keep it coming. Also, I know plenty of women who have had zero chemistry with a
man until after they get to know him better. These men turned out to be so wonderful that
the women became sexually turned on by them because of the way the men treated them,
their humor, personality, values, and ways of being.
154 Choose Him
4. R efer to your story and ask questions. When you’re on a date, take time to ask
questions and explore whether this man matches your Dream Man story. You get to choose.
You get to choose. You get to choose. I’m not talking about going down your checklist as if
in an interview, but rather general topics about what he likes to do, his feelings on travel
or where he’s been, friends, special interests, work, movies, etc. Do you feel a need to
chatter uncomfortably or promote yourself instead of being natural and curious about
him and allowing the conversation to flow? Really listen to what he says. There are rich
conversation starters within your Dream Man story—use them.
5. Don’t be a chameleon. Watch your thoughts and behavior as you meet men. What
thinking patterns, judgments, and beliefs do you experience? Do you change your behavior
and become a chameleon with each new man, hoping that he’ll like that personality? You
now are clear about who you are and what you care about, so be authentic and honest and
don’t worry about whether he’s going to judge you or reject you. If he does, then he’s not
right for you.
6. Y ou’re not his mama! Please don’t make the mistake of thinking you’ll become his
inspiration to finally do the things he talks about. And definitely don’t believe you’ll
be the special woman who changes him. How many women do you know who have
succeeded in creating a Dream Man out of an unwilling or pitiful candidate? Again, this
is an old fantasy we’ve seen repeatedly in fairytales and movies: the spunky little woman
who comes along and turns his life around—rescues the bad boy, unhappily married
man, playboy, depressed artist, alcoholic musician—you name it. The fantasy is that he’s
so grateful and inspired by her for saving him and making him change his ways that
he promises to love and admire her forever. Uh, no. Can we please stop thinking this
is the way we’re supposed to get a man? When the right guy comes along, it should be
comfortable and easy—free from drama and problems that you need to fix before the
relationship can work.
7. P lease, please, please don’t. Are you one of those women who likes to please everyone,
especially men? Is your focus outward toward others rather than inward on what you feel
and need? Do you relinquish your self-worth into the hands of a man and then shrink
or feel hurt when you’re not appreciated? You can still be a kind and considerate person
without constantly focusing on what you think a man wants and needs. It isn’t necessary
to prove how flexible, understanding, and easy-to-be-with you are. That behavior doesn’t
endear you or make you more valued by a man. And worse, in the process you renounce
your personal power and self-esteem and you don’t reveal your true personality and
authenticity to him. You will likely cause him to feel disconnected, bored, or wonder who
you really are and what you have to offer in a relationship. Or worse yet, he may start to
take advantage of you (I don’t use the “doormat” word lightly), which will chip away at
your personal power.
8. G et out of his head . Okay, here’s another big one that diminishes our personal power.
It’s an obsessive need to psychoanalyze and come up with solutions to fix a man’s issues.
When he fails to be exactly what we want (or even if he is), we may start to analyze
everything—his possible childhood problems, work predicament, ex-wife/girlfriend/
children troubles, and even what he must be thinking. We love to go over every word he
said to us with our girlfriends, get their opinions, and then become the self-appointed
therapists who know just what he needs to solve his problem. It takes a lot of energy to
play in a guy’s head, and it gets you nowhere. The easier alternative is to just allow the
relationship to unfold naturally and do everything possible to avoid figuring out what
he’s thinking. Stay on the track of what you want long-term.
9. G et out of his pocket. We can also be looking in his pocket, so to speak. If we
think or know that a guy is having financial troubles, we often begin to compromise
what we want. This initiates the trickle-down effect of compromise in other areas of the
relationship. We start deciding what he can or can’t afford, how we can help him with
his problems, what we no longer need since we don’t want to appear too money-focused,
and so on. (Oh, that’s okay, I don’t need popcorn at the movies; I’ve always wanted to have a
vacation adventure on a Greyhound bus; here, let me buy this for you.) You get the picture.
Stay out of his pocket. Let him tell you what he wants to do and what he can or cannot
afford. Then you decide if you want to go along with his idea or offer to pay. If you aren’t
open and genuine, he will know you’re trying to protect his ego, and that’s equivalent
to emasculating him—the opposite of what you’re trying to do. We can spend so much
wasted energy scrutinizing his life and how we might fit into it that we lose ourselves and
compromise what we want. We leak our personal power by the slow-drip method, and it
seeps away until we find ourselves feeling diminished, disillusioned, and desperate.
10. Again, watch those hormones. Oh boy, this is like catnip to a kitten. I’ve talked
about the love hormones that rush through your body and lure you into a drugged state
of lust and romance. You feel like you’re falling head over heels in love and that there’s
nothing more exciting and important than to be with him. It feels like this can only
happen with someone you’re meant to be with forever. Remember, love-struck hormones
chemically alter you and can dupe you into doing and believing things that are not real.
Keep in mind that the feeling is temporary and can delude you into false euphoria about
the long-term potential of a relationship. Sex is not a permanent glue. Keep observing.
11. Just say no. If he’s not right for you, let him know as soon as possible. Often, we’re so
afraid of the void that we cling to sub-standard men and relationships. Releasing a man
who’s not a good match allows space in your life for someone who is. Women have such a
hard time with this one. We’ve been taught to be very careful with a man’s ego and to not
hurt his feelings. Women are naturally empathetic (we feel your pain), and we tend not to
want to say something that we wouldn’t want said to us. Would you prefer he just not call
you, hide from you, or make up a story about going back with an old girlfriend? Practice
learning how to say it doesn’t work—simply and directly. Just the facts without fabricated
stories or whiny apologies. A polite “I’m sorry” will do. The more you practice, the easier
it gets and the more empowered you’ll feel. It’s not your duty to preserve a man’s ego by
tiptoeing around the truth.
12. Don’t tak e rejection personally. Keep in mind that if there isn’t an energetic match
or sexual chemistry, THAT IS NOT A REJECTION of him. Your physical attraction
to each other is beyond your control. It really is chemical, and you can’t force either of
you to feel something that isn’t there. This has nothing to do with the looks or value of
a person. This goes for you, too, so don’t think there’s something wrong with you simply
because a man says you’re not right for each other. Let’s face it—you aren’t going to
fit every man’s ideal of beauty, sexiness, or personality. Why should you take that as a
rejection? No matter how gorgeous or hot he is, don’t make any man the global authority
on your appeal.
After the initial connection (which may be based on physical appearance), lasting attraction
is based mostly on energy and how you feel about each other. We’ve all seen numerous
examples of stereotypically handsome men with very plain, unsexy, or overweight women,
as well as the reverse scenario with pretty women. Isn’t that one of the fears that many
women express—that we aren’t pretty, sexy, or thin enough according to the social standards
we’ve bought into? We’ve all heard men criticize the looks and sex appeal of female celebrities
who we consider the most beautiful and desirable. Then we freak out and worry about
our own attractiveness. I believe there IS a Dream Man for every woman, and he will
think she’s beautiful regardless of her shape, size, brains, or personality. Different qualities
and energy appeal to different people, and none of us will ever be universally perfect for
every man.
13. W atch your energy. Whenever you start to fall for a man, keep reminding yourself that
you’re in observation mode and don’t allow your emotions to sweep you into a state of romantic
fantasy: this must be it and he’s The One. He will feel the pressure in your energy—don’t be
surprised if he disappears. Remember, your thoughts and beliefs automatically create your
energy. Give yourself time to truly know he’s right for you. It’s not a game. Also, you won’t
discourage him by not being swept away by his romantic overtures or strong desire to be
with you. If a man is interested in you, he will pursue you.
14. H onor your feelings. Now that you’re clear about what you want, it will become more
difficult to dismiss or discount your feelings. Let your intuitive feelings be your guide to
know if you’re in observation or desperation mode. Since you now have standards for what
you want, you’ll notice you’re reacting in a more empowered way. If something doesn’t
feel good, don’t try to justify why you’re putting up with it. You will be proud of yourself
when you state your requirements calmly, clearly, and confidently. True personal power
has nothing to do with being demanding, convincing, or forceful with your energy. It
158 Choose Him
doesn’t employ emotional tactics, overbearing behavior, or manipulation. When you make
a conscious decision or choice from a place of present-moment awareness and clarity—
knowing what you feel, what you want, what is real, and what is really happening—you
will experience authentic personal power. For more information on this topic, see Related
Reading at the end of the book.
15. R eread your story. It’s not uncommon to make some of your old mistakes as you
integrate this new information and way of being. Whenever you feel you’ve veered off
track or are repeating old beliefs and patterns, reread your story and review your new
beliefs. It’s fun to read it and look for resonance when you meet a man who seems to fit
your story. But please don’t try to make him your Dream Man and compromise or ignore
red flags just because he has many of the qualities in your story.
The New True You—Congratulations!
You are different now. You have transformed yourself and
your ideas, and you should feel something has shifted inside
you. You’ve changed your perspective and have newly
tuned judgment and perception. When checking your values
and desires against the men who show up, you can trust your
newly found core voice to tell you what is and is not a dream
match for you. You’ve reprogrammed old limiting beliefs,
articulated your authentic values and desires, and declared
you’re a woman who knows her worth. You know more about
the language of attraction by moving your thoughts and conversation
away from negative patterns of what you don’t want
into the positive expression of what you do want.
You’ve created a picture of the man of your dreams through a clear lens and open heart and embraced
the feelings inherent in your creation. Now you can review and refine your story until it
feels just right to you. You have transformed your energy to project the authentic you and your
deepest desires. Finally, you have invoked the Law of Attraction and initiated your magnetic
resonance to bring forth your Dream Man. Go out in the world with your new knowledge,
trust, and personal power, and keep your eyes and heart open to all possibilities. You’ve sent out
your energetic invitation. You will find each other.
Please view the related reading list on the next page.
