Selena’s Story of How Not To Get A Man – Part 3

Selena ’s Story of how not to get a man :
How She Fell into False Survival Mode

Selena is an accomplished and successful businesswoman in her mid forties who’d raised a
son and was married for the second time to a very controlling man named Joe. They had no
children together and kept their finances separate, so there were none of the usual trappings
that hold couples together when the relationship is no longer working. As with most controlling
men, Joe progressively alienated Selena from her friends, family, employees, and even
her son. He convinced her that they were all selfish users, gossips, incompetent, and even
dangerous. Their relationship became just Joe and Selena.
She felt powerless to defend her opinions and ask for what she needed. He turned it into
something that was her problem, not his. Even as a successful entrepreneur, she began to
feel helpless, losing her self-esteem and confidence in her ability to make decisions. She was
not actually living in survival mode, but that’s how she felt and how she was behaving. She
thought she had no choice because of her ingrained belief that no other man would want her
at her age. So she needed to hold on tight to this man to feel good about herself. Ironically,
the opposite happened. Selena became depressed and soon her once lively eyes had dark
shadows that seemed to say to the world that the woman who once lived here is dead. There
was no light in her, as if her energy and spirit had left her body. She needed to refill herself
and revitalize her energy by facing what was happening to her and getting clear about what
she wanted, and then making a decision to leave. When she finally did, her spirit, personality,
competence, and lightness returned to her body. She regained her personal power and
<h3>Part 3: How Did We Get Here?<h3>
realized she alone was in charge of her choices and decisions. Selena then defined what she
wanted in a future partnership that would be mutually respectful, caring, and supportive, and
she went on to meet and marry her Dream Man two years later!
Choosing the Shift to find true love
Let’s start with ourselves. In this book we’ll be
examining our personal perspectives, principles, and
self-perceptions as part of the process of getting clear.
Only when we get real and honest with ourselves can we
change our expectations and make choices and decisions
based on what we know to be true in our hearts. We
must lift our own veils of illusion and see what is real
and what is really happening rather than just accept
conventional wisdom or what has always been. I’m
going to be encouraging you to take a serious look at
your old belief systems and to move forward with new
beliefs that will help you get in touch with your highest
values and to trust your powerful feminine intuition. It’s
up to you to create what you want and redefine your
foundational beliefs. Once you’ve started that process,
you’ll be amazed at how freeing it is to let go of the old
belief systems and move forward from a place of active
choice rather than passive acceptance.

Ladies’ Choice and the New Prince Charming

Many women believe that relationships are built on
fate and happenstance, as in fairytales and romantic
novels. As girls, many of us grew up watching movies
that reinforced the Cinderella story, depicting women
waiting for Prince Charming to sweep her off her
feet and choose her, among all the women fighting
for his attention and approval, to be his wife. As we
mature, the fantasy begins to fade and we think we
must compromise and settle for less and that we’ll
be lucky if a man comes along with even a few of
the qualities we really want. Some of us even go into
competition with other women in the hope that the
glass slipper will fit us alone.
Why do we think we have to be chosen by a man? I’ve mentioned that this is an antiquated
way of thinking. It’s true that history, and some cultures in today’s world, operate under this
paradigm where the man chooses. But today, in our society, women have permission to be ourselves.
Men are craving equal partners, and the idea that we have to be compromising, seductive,
manipulative, and competitive with other women in order to gain a man’s attention is as
damaging for men as it is for us!
The new model today is that we get to decide what works for us and we have choices. In other
words, “I have my own damn slippers, and I want to know if we’re compatible dance partners!”
Partnering is a mutual decision for mutual joy and fulfillment.

Yet today women still often wait (plead, demand, fight) for the man to propose as if it is his
sole decision to marry us. Did you know that you get to choose him, too? That statement
seems obvious, but there remains a subtle, underlying belief in most women that we have to be
chosen by a man; hence, we unconsciously relinquish our power of choice to him. Regardless
of their successful professional or financial status, many women have confided to me that they
look for validation from men. Perhaps what women are really looking for are men who value
them as equals and their mutual potential to pursue their aspirations. The fact is that we can
and must determine our own ideals and requirements and decide if he is truly what we want.

Here’s a new perspective: What if your modern prince is less of a charmer and more authentic

, a true partner who recognizes and supports you in expressing your own authenticity and
potential?What if it’s up to us women to teach men how to regard us, love us, and support us
in our dreams? We can show them how by becoming authentic, clear, and honest about what
we want, accompanied by the resonating inner knowing that we deserve it.

Unveiling Your Full Potential to Find True Love

What does our potential have to do with finding the man of my dreams? Our potential represents
all of our underlying possibilities, capabilities, brilliance, talents, and hidden desires for selfexpression,
meaning, and purpose in life. Women today are smart, talented, capable, and get great
satisfaction from accomplishments and pursuing goals and dreams. Many women experience
concern about whether a man will understand and place value on her needs and aspirations.
Again, referring back to programmed limitations and paradigms, there is an undertone of
confusion and often conflict around how many of her own dreams will have to be relegated
below her man’s. In an evolved partnership, women and men value freedom for individual
choices and self-expression and support each other in achieving their highest potential.
Your potential can be as simple as carrying the essence of feminine values, such as the energy
of optimism, love, joy, wisdom, and compassion for others in your way of being and doing
your life. Or it could show up in a creative endeavor or something that has positive impact
on others’ lives, your community, society, or the world. Expressing our potential fills the neglected
void in our hearts that says there is something more for us to know, to be, to experience, to create,
or to do while we’re here. Each one of us is
significant, valuable, and essential on this earth.
Women have remarkable intellectual, creative,
and humanistic gifts that can make the world a
better place. We’re practical, holistic thinkers with
get-it-done attitudes. Let’s start by realizing we
can use that same energy to intentionally design
our partnerships to support us in becoming all
we are meant to be. Now, let’s move on to exactly
how this entire process works.

The Law of Attraction and Deeply Ingrained Beliefs
The Law of Attraction says that you have the power to attract whatever you want into your
life. The premise is that all your thoughts, all the visions and imagery in your mind, and all the
feelings connected to your thoughts will later manifest as your reality. The Law of Attraction and the man of your dreams
tells us that everything you’ve attracted into your life so far has been a direct result of your
thoughts, conscious and subconscious beliefs, and your feelings.
Since you haven’t had success in finding the right man, it’s likely that some of your thoughts,
beliefs, and emotions are not allowing him into your life. For example, if you have an unconscious
belief that men are not to be trusted, or that having a man will restrict your independence, your
chances of attracting and creating a lasting and fulfilling relationship are highly diminished.
That negative belief creates a magnetic attraction in your energy field that brings you exactly
what you’re trying to avoid—men you can’t trust or controlling men. You also are likely to see
repetitive patterns in the men you attract and in your relationships and never find the loveof my life.
Invitation to Liberation and learning How to Get a Man
You don’t have to be frustrated—get clear, authentic,
and intentional instead! Free yourself from outdated
paradigms. There is a Dream Man for every woman!
attract into your life experience what your deepest beliefs
and moment-to-moment thoughts create.
This means having a positive thought and as a result
feeling inspired, exuberant, excited, stimulated, elated,
enthusiastic, euphoric, appreciated, proud, safe, content,
calm, warm, peaceful, free, happy, and so on. Those are
the good feelings to use as your filter throughout writing
the story of your Dream Man. Soak up the good feelings
as you describe your dream relationship. That is how you
get what you want. I believe that what you clearly define
in writing, trust in your heart, and embody with feelings will come to you. Combining the
Choose Him Process and the Law of Attraction is like installing a turbo charge—a doubledose
magnetic energy that will super charge you in manifesting what you want.

Part 3: How Did We Get Here to Find the Love of My Life?

When you get clear and authentic about who you are, and when you get intentional about what
you want in your Dream Man, you will attract the man who is a mirror of your new embodied
beliefs! This is authentic personal power in action. That is what this book is all about. The only
way you can inhibit the connection with your Dream Man is to continue holding onto old
beliefs, negative thoughts and patterns, and outdated paradigms.
There are three simple steps in this Choose Him Process: (1) Reflecting on who you are, what
you value, and your belief systems and history so you can get clear about what you want moving
forward; (2) Creating the man of your dreams by defining what you want in writing from your
heart and feelings; and (3) Manifesting the outcome in your real life.
By going forward with this process, I invite you to commit to:
• uncovering and transforming your thought patterns, beliefs, and behaviors.
• creating the story of a Dream Man who complements your needs and values and who
can appreciate who you are authentically.
• attracting a man who loves you unconditionally and fulfills your dreams.
• claiming your own personal power through the journey of creating your Dream Man
and your dream life.

PART 4. The Choose Him Process

“Authenticity is the new sexy!”
It’s a Transformational Tool
The Choose Him Process is a self-discovery and self-coaching tool that can help you in
many ways. You will:
• get clear about who you are, what you love, what you value, and what you truly want in
a man and a relationship.
• be inspired into action and release blocks or mental paradigms that might be in the way
of attracting your Dream Man.
• reconnect with your feelings and be reminded of who you are at your core, leaving selfworth
and self-esteem problems behind.
• set standards for expectations of your man and for your life together, including your
personal dreams and aspirations.
• express your deepest desires in relationship and learn to relinquish the need to prove
your value to a man.
• realize that you can choose the man of your dreams and shift your perspective from
waiting to be chosen.
• be empowered with a new resource to help you envision and attract the man of your
dreams from a strong, deserving place where your identity is self-defined, separate, and
complementary to a man’s.
Part 4: The Choose Him Process 35
As you continue, your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and way of being will evolve. This process
integrates the Law of Attraction with your heart-centered story and what I call magnetic resonance,
meaning you will be attracting a man who is energetically compatible with you.
The Steps in How to Attract Men
The process for creating your story and attracting
your Dream Man is made up of three major steps:
1. Reflect—discovering, exploring, taking inventory
of your past and present, and changing beliefs.
2. Create—using the creator tool to design the story
for your Dream Man.
3. Attract—attracting the man of your dreams by
bringing him to life.
Consider breaking this process up into several
sittings according to your stamina. Reset the stage and atmosphere for doing the work each
time you come back to it.
For all of the activities that follow, you don’t have to fill in every blank, and you can attach more
pages if you need to. This is your story and you are the creator. Once you’ve finished the entire
process, you’ll be guided through how to turn it into your final story. When you read the finished
story from start to finish, you will feel a difference and know that you have shifted your
way of thinking, feeling, and being!
A Few Cautions
Because this is a transformational process, as you do the following personal exploration
activities and complete your Dream Man story, you may experience some of the following
• anxiety
• dizziness or a whirly feeling in your head
• drowsiness or tiredness
• headache
• nausea
• sweaty palms
• anything else that you typically experience under stress
Please don’t be alarmed or think this process isn’t for you. If you do experience any of these
symptoms, they’re often caused by your mind’s reaction to assimilating new information and to
exploring and possibly shifting your beliefs. It may also be your internal resistance to change or
possibly to the anticipation that you can actually have what you deeply want. Breathe through
this and relax. Symptoms will fade as you integrate new information, change your perceptions,
and finally start to believe that you can have the man of your dreams. He’s out there waiting
for you.
<h3>All About You</h3>
“Being true to yourself is the key to having the man of your dreams.”
This section is filled with space for you to empty your man-baggage and declare who
you are, what you love and value, and your primary motivation for wanting the man
of your dreams. This preparation work will set the tone for creating your Dream Man
story. Remember, the Choose Him Process is ALL about YOU. Allow one to three hours
to complete this first section.
Out with the Old and In with the True You
Whether you like to think about it or not, you carry old beliefs that are potentially lodged in
your psyche from your past experiences, family, and society. They can hinder rather than promote
growth and intimacy, as well as limit your options concerning men. It’s incredibly freeing
to get your beliefs out in the open!
Between You and Me: Taking the Backseat
For most of my life I actually believed it was my role to disregard or subordinate my dreams to
focus primarily on my man’s goals—regardless of my growing personal and professional worth.
It was an unconscious belief, but his success took precedence over mine, and I relegated my
aspirations to a secondary position. My Dream Man has helped me to understand how immense
that sacrifice truly was by being such a big supporter of my dreams.
Other old beliefs that may now be outdated include your inherited religious background. We
all know this has an impact on our choice of a mate. We acquire our beliefs from our culture,
families, religion, media, and past experiences, among many other factors. No matter where
you stand in your faith or spiritual beliefs, some of the concepts we hold to be true in this arena
may be overdue for some introspection. This is a great opportunity to clear out any feelings and
ideas about things you’ve been questioning or which no longer serve you and to replace them
38 Choose Him
with new thoughts so you can move into a new phase of attracting the man who is right for you.
For example, perhaps you want to attract a man of your religious faith because your parents had
always expected you to do so. If you weren’t holding on to that parental expectation, would you
still want to make the same choice?
What are some of your parents’ beliefs or judgments about religion, race, political perspective,
social status, etc.?
How have they affected your dating choices? Do you want to continue to
give them the power to influence your life choices? Do these influences create feelings of harmony
or stress in your body?
____________ .

Between You and Me: X-Ray Vision

I had an old belief and judgment that most men who dressed and behaved conservatively
were too nice, or were boring conformists with narrow viewpoints. Was I wrong! I now describe
the love of my life as the man who at first appeared to be a conservative Clark Kent and
surprised me when he transformed into Superman. He is more broadminded and has had a far
more adventurous and interesting life than I would have ever imagined at first glance. So don’t
be fooled by the external package. By focusing on the priorities in my Dream Man story, I expanded
my limited preferences and opened my mind and heart to more possibilities. Before
that, I wore psychological blinders and literally could not see him. My husband’s office was in
the building next to mine and we went to the same gym. He had noticed me ten years before
we met, but I never noticed him. That is, not until after I did my Dream Man story.
Now let’s explore some of your own old beliefs and discover which are the ones you most cling
to about men. In the chart that follows, write one old belief on the left and its accompanying
new belief on the right. Since facing the old beliefs can stir up some upsetting feelings, I
recommend writing your old beliefs first and then writing out all the new beliefs with a fresh,
positive intention. An important tool in attracting what you desire is using the language of
attraction. All this means is that you state in positive language what you want, as if it already
exists. Write your statement in the present tense and affirm its truth within your statement: (I
have . . . , I found . . . , I am . . . , My man is . . . , etc.). Transform all your negative statements
into positives. For example, change “I don’t want men with anger issues” into “My man is easygoing
and handles upsets rationally.”
Old Belief New Belief
There are no good men left for me. I found my Dream Man and he is perfect for me.
I have to acquiesce to a man, make him king of the
home, and give up my freedom.
I have my freedom and a man who treats me like a
There aren’t men out there who will get it. (They are
too needy, don’t want a woman who’s independent,
too critical, womanizers, only want young bodies, etc.)
My man gets it; he is a true modern man who treats
me with equality and love, and is faithful.
Old Belief New Belief
Part 4: The Choose Him Process 41
Feminine Instincts
In our culture, we’ve become disconnected from our feelings and more focused on the unending
chatter in our minds. We assume our minds will guide us to clarity with logic. We have it
reversed. Our feelings are our internal guidance system—they clue us in that something is
really in sync or out of whack. Since our minds are just a data processing tool, our feelings
should be guiding our minds in our decision-making processes. Our culture has long been
dominated by masculine values, such as logic, factual knowledge, competition, and aggression,
while demoting feminine values, such as empathy, compassion, collaboration, intuition, and
joy. As a result, we’re out of balance. Our feelings connect us to our hearts and inform our
experience of life. They are the key to unlocking our authenticity and bringing us what we
desire. It’s time to re-balance our values by reclaiming our feminine feelings and intuition and
tuning up our natural guidance system.

Feelings Make Us Real

Believe me, I know this is an emotional
process. It’s designed that way for a reason:
Only through accessing your authentic, deepest
feelings and desires can you create an accurate
picture of what kind of lifemate you really want.
So what about you—are you already sensing your
emotions bubbling up, perhaps ready to spill out? A
lot of us hold a belief that we don’t deserve this kind
of relationship, or that it’s not possible. And yet, if
some part of you didn’t believe that it was possible,
you wouldn’t be engaging in this process. Have you harbored secret wishes about the kind
of relationship you could have? What woman hasn’t? If so, note some of your thoughts here.
_____________ .
Some Pain, Big Gains
While you’re doing these activities, some patterns will come to the surface. Don’t be hard on
yourself if you have big revelations that you weren’t aware of before. Some of you may already
be aware of romantic tendencies and patterns that don’t work for you, while others may discover
a completely new awareness through this awakening process. At every challenging shift in
my life that has eventually led to getting what I want, I’ve initially had an emotional or painful
reaction. For example, I’ve left relationships that weren’t working even though I still loved the
guy. These were debilitating experiences that stretched my emotions between two places—the
one I was in and the one where I knew I needed to go. Awareness is the first stage of clearing
old beliefs and patterns and attracting more of what you want, but oftentimes it’s not pretty.
Once you shift your perception, you evolve your beliefs, and then new opportunities appear.
Think of the liberating times in your life when you shifted from a limiting belief to a whole
new way of seeing things, and note some of them here.
___________ .
What I Don’t Want
It’s often easier for us to identify what we don’t want rather than what we do want because
we’ve had a memorable and painful experience of what didn’t work out for us. The goal of the
Choose Him Process, however, is to gain clarity about what you do want. To get there, though,
you’re going to go back in time to examine themes and patterns in your relationships with men
that didn’t work for you. When you start to recognize the patterns in your relationships, you
can see where you’ve compromised or devalued yourself in some way. This awareness opens the
door to changing the pattern. Some classic patterns include: being his doormat, being abused
in any way, looking for father figures, being distracted by his good looks, wanting to heal his
emotional wounds, and submitting to someone who’s jealous and controlling.
Here are some other examples from my clients:
My Age His Name Themes That Didn’t Work for Me
35–39 Eric Didn’t love himself, didn’t really love me, didn’t deal with money
well, emotionally unavailable
41–44 Paul Boring, low libido, homebody, advice-giver
45–46 Don Needy, wanted to stay home and watch TV every night, didn’t love
his work or his life
Now it’s your turn:
My Age His Name Themes That Didn’t Work for Me
Now let’s delve even deeper. As you think about past relationships, contemplate these
• Why did they fail?
• How did you feel about each person at
the end of the relationship?
• What part did you play in the failure?
• How did your choices contribute to the
• What aspects of the relationship were
you blind to, what red flags did you
• Did you prolong a relationship after you sensed it was doomed?
• Have you ever thought that a mediocre or even a poor partnership was better than none
at all?
___________________ .

What I Do Want
Next, we’re going to explore the list of things you don’t want and see them side-by-side with
those things you do want. It’s not necessary to fill in all the blanks, but do add more pages if
needed. Then draw big X’s through your DON’T WANT list so that you and the Universe are
clear about what you DO WANT. Make sure to turn those negative thoughts about what you
don’t want into positive statements. This is how you’ll begin to change your thoughts to prepare
to create your Dream Man story, which of course is all about what you DO want.
What I DON’T Want What I DO Want (the opposite)
An emotionally unstable man A man who’s aware and conscious of his feelings
A self-centered, selfish man An authentic, open, generous, and self-aware man
A man without a passion A man passionate about life and doing fun things
Your Turn:
What I DON’T Want What I DO Want (the opposite)
Did you remember to draw a line through all items on your DON’T WANT list? According to
the Law of Attraction, it’s essential to focus on what you are calling into your life versus what
you’re releasing from your life.

So reread the good, juicy DO WANT column, and then move
on to the next section to learn how to be careful of what you think aboutt.