Love Lessons"Before doing my story, I had
never even thought about many
of the things in the story
template, and they’re important."
V.B.
Sometimes I’m asked by my single friends and clients how they will know if a guy they’re falling for really is Mr. Right. It’s so easy to get caught up in a relationship that starts out well, and then problems start to arise. You ask yourself if he’s just not right for you, or if you need to be more understanding and not expect him to be perfect.Let’s say there are lots of checkmarks in the Plus Column: you have physical chemistry, similar values, a shared sense of humor, and a special bond that you feel.
• Are you supposed to work harder to hold the relationship together, even if things aren’t going well?
• Should you feel like you’d be better off as best friends?
• What if there isn’t much chemistry but everything else feels perfect? The key word in each of these questions is the word feel.
In our efforts to be accepted in business roles in a man’s world, many of us women have somewhat suppressed our natural tendency to rely on our feelings and intuition. Personally, it has taken me a long time to become accustomed to getting out of my head and into my heart—meaning avoiding analysis and processed decision making, and instead focusing on my feelings and inner wisdom. It’s not as easy as it sounds, since I’ve been pursuing my business career for over 30 years. It’s like a bad habit that takes time and attention to change.
For example, I had wanted to leave my previous business for the past 10 years, but I kept trying to figure out what I could do that would enable me to make as much money. My constant analysis got me nowhere. When I finally learned to tune into my feelings, I realized that I was eliminating what I really wanted to do because it didn’t pencil out, and it was a completely different industry. Also it was a risky and scary venture to become a writer and self-power coach.
The more I focused on my feelings, however, the more evident it became that I would be miserable until I let go of the past business and stepped fully into what I truly wanted. Fortunately, my husband is such a big supporter of my dreams that it made it possible for me to take this leap of faith. And I’m so happy I did.
I’ve found it’s so important to get in touch with how you feel in order to make clear and intentional choices about your love life. I’ve come up with five important questions to ask yourself as you get to know a man and observe him in different situations:
1. Can I live with this behavior forever, 24/7? It might be cute or forgivable in the early stages of a relationship, but really think ahead after the sizzle has settled and imagine it becoming worse, because it usually does. If belching or foul language annoys you when you’re dating a guy, you can be certain it will be more irritating as time goes by.
2. Is this what I truly want or is it a compromise? What am I really feeling? Initially it’s easy to ignore your feelings when you’ve met someone who appears to be a good match for you. You naturally want to see only the best in him, but ask yourself what you’re feeling inside and whether it feels good or not so good.
3. Does this behavior give me energy or drain my energy? Do I flourish or shrink? This is a really good way to gauge your feelings. If you stay in observation of him (rather than fantasy or hope that it will be different later or it doesn’t matter that much), you’ll begin to notice how your energy feels.
4. Would I want my sister, daughter, or friend to be in this kind of relationship? Would it be empowering or disempowering? If you’re serious about staying in reality versus fantasy with a man, these questions really put you on the spot. Be honest and imagine one of these women you care about feeling what you’re feeling and being in this relationship. This is a big clue as to whether or not he is Mr. Right
5. Do I feel safe, natural, and at ease with him; or do I feel anxious, uncomfortable and try too hard to please or impress him? Some jitters are natural when you first start dating a man, but after a couple of dates, those feelings should dissipate. The right man would want you to feel safe and at ease with him and would likely be trying to impress you. Now that’s just fine!
If you’re willing to be honest and stay in observation versus desperation mode, you’ll know Mr. Right when he comes along.
For more information on these two modes of dating behavior, check out my book Choose Him: How to Get Clear, Define What You Want, and Attract the Man of Your Dreams.
