How to Get a Guy Who’s Not Wrong for You

Yeah, I know, the title of this post is a mouthful of clashing words. I

Wait to get a man who's right for you

could have just called it How To Get A Guy Who’s Right For You,

but I’m playing off the title of a book called How Not To Marry the Wrong Guy: A Guide For Avoiding the Biggest Mistake of Your Life by Anne Milford and Jennifer Gauvain. See the article and book review here: Is he the wrong man?

In it Milford talks about how she called off her own wedding 17 years ago. She writes, “Even though my fiancé was a very nice man, he was not the right man for me. Deep down, I had known that from the very beginning of the relationship. Why did a smart and capable woman get engaged to the wrong guy? I knew if I talked to enough women, I would uncover a pattern.”

Milford and her collaborator Gauvain interviewed hundreds of women and discovered three primary reasons weddings go forward that shouldn’t:

1. Women got caught up in the momentum of the wedding until it was too late to call it off.
2. Feelings of fear, shame and embarrassment about publicly admitting that getting married was a mistake.
3. Financial concerns associated with canceling the wedding.

The authors also elaborate on the fact that many women tend to ignore red flags from their partner and go ahead with marriage for a variety of reasons from loneliness to external pressures to hoping he or she will fix the other one.

I’ve known a few women who’ve gone through with ill-fated weddings, and I do agree with the authors that often women will settle for a man for the reasons they state in the article. Women tend to avoid thinking about what they really want and what’s right for them and often compromise and ignore red flags.

A Guy Who’s Right vs. Who’s Not Wrong

This article drew my attention to the fact that there’s actually a big distinction between how to get a guy who’s right for you versus a guy who’s not wrong for you. What bothers me about the term “not wrong” is that it’s a negative approach to finding the right man. Brain researchers claim that the mind doesn’t recognize the word “not,” and when your approach is from the perspective of what you don’t want, you’ll likely get more of the same. I believe women will have more success in finding the right man if more attention is turned to getting clear about what they truly want in their hearts rather than compromising and ignoring red flags.

Honesty Is the Best Policy

I strongly agree with the authors’ recommendation that when women complete their profiles for online dating that they be authentic, honest about who they are, what they truly value in a relationship, and that they honor those values. This is the primary reason I designed a unique way for women to connect with their authenticity, what they want and value in a relationship and their lives, and most important—what they really want in a partner. For more information on this creative tool, check out my Online Story Creator for a fun and thought-provoking way to become very clear about what you want in a man and your life together.

Do Love and Life Differently: When dating, change your focus to what’s right for you in a man versus what’s wrong with him. It’s a more empowered way to stay in touch with your true feelings and needs and is not condescending to him.

Have you ever caught yourself focusing on a negative wish? Did you turn it around? I’d love it if you’d share your story below.

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