Hard To Find True Love With Expired Software

Finding true love doesn't have to be so difficult

Some people may think I’m a little bit out there on this topic, but I think in many ways,we’re behaving as if we’re in the dark ages.

We haven’t evolved our romantic relationship roles, behavior, and attitudes to match our social evolution. I’d really like to hear what you think.

Trapped in the past

As with any goal we pursue, there’s tremendous power in knowing what you want and expecting to have it, but many women don’t seem to apply the same philosophy when it comes to romance. I think the confusion when we’re looking to find true love is that we’re still trapped in outdated ways of thinking and expectations for a partner. When you look back through history for the primary reasons women partnered, for the most part they were based on survival, safety, and child rearing. So our female ancestors sacrificed—or probably didn’t even think about—their personal potential beyond those basic needs and roles. Those specific needs are no longer the primary basis for partnering, yet much of women’s and men’s behavior around mating is stuck in the past.

I don’t bake bread!

For example, until the women’s movement of the 1970s, women were expected to be Happy Homemakers. They had to be able to cook, sew, manage a home, bear and care for children, as well as be the supportive little woman for their man who was the provider. But today,I know many women who either don’t like to or don’t know how to cook. Nor do many of them desire children or have particular interest in decorating or caretaking a home. They enjoy their careers, hobbies, and activities unrelated to the nurturer and passive supporter roles. You can see how such a woman might be confused about what a partner might expect from them and vice versa.

This inner conflict is likely more predominant in Baby Boomer women like me who are in their 40s through their 60s. I have girlfriends and clients who don’t bother dating, since they have preconceived notions that they would have to give up their independence and too many personal activities and goals in order to be with a man. Many men feel the same way, yet many people of both genders would love to have a relationship. All I’m saying is that we need new partnering models and roles for today’s reality. The old models for relationships don’t make a lot of sense for a huge chunk of the population.

Warning! Our relationship software has expired

I suggest we join the 21st century and upgrade our relationship software with new perspectives to change the way men and women relate to each other. I feel that to find true love, we need to embrace the balance of masculine and feminine energy—in both men and women—for us to become whole individuals. We need to accept today’s busy lifestyle, expanded opportunities and dreams for ourselves as individuals. It seems to me that romantic partnering for couples who are past child-rearing age or who don’t want children, need a new set of expectations and modes for forming modern relationships.

Personally, I prefer to think of modern-day relationships as romantic partnerships, similar to expectations in a business partnership. For instance, we would expect each partner to do their fair share of the work; to be loyal and trustworthy; to be open, communicate and resolve conflicts in a healthy way; and to be able to interact well with each other on a day-to-day basis. Business partners usually form the relationship to benefit and support each other in reaching their highest potential individually and collectively. Shouldn’t couples be at least as considerate and open-minded in their relationships?

For example, I’ve often heard women say they wished their partner treated her as well as he treated his business clients. There were role expectations and perceptions in their relationships that didn’t make sense for today’s world. Both partners were confused by outdated paradigms and beliefs about the concept of marriage and guidelines for coupling.

Where’s the romance and magic?

Some of you may be thinking,what about the romance?

True love isn’t a business deal!

I agree, but true love is also not a fantasy-come-true illusion. My belief is that the romance, lust, and fantasies that create the initial attraction and bond will dwindle over time and shatter the illusion. Then the relationship often suffers or falls apart. I’m not saying we should discard romance or ignore sexual attraction, since it’s a lot of fun. But I’m suggesting a more realistic approach by prioritizing the qualities that make a relationship last, instead of hoping romance will sustain it.

It’s time to upgrade our internal software to inform us what those qualities are for each of us and to let our internal guidance system keep us on track with what truly matters to you for the long term.

Do Love and Life Differently: Romance and sex are exciting and great fun when you’re falling in love, but it has to be tempered with the realities of daily life and what partnership means to each other.

Do any of you readers have similar feelings or experiences you can share on the subject of how to find true love or perhaps an opinion on our mating models? Please share your comments below.

2 Responses to “Hard To Find True Love With Expired Software”

  1. cj Says:
    November 20th, 2010 at 8:59 am

    Good morning Deb, Thank you for this posting which has come at a most appropriate time. My head has been bouncing around like a ping pong ball as I receive conflicting input about my current relationship. I’m trapped between the old software and needing an update. Your input is prompting me to release my old standards of judgment and update the software. I already feel less anxiety about my relationship and I noticed that by letting go of all the angst and old criteria, I had so much fun and felt so much love last night when I went over and played with my partner and his grandbaby.

  2. Deb Says:
    November 20th, 2010 at 9:06 am

    All I have to say about that is “Woo Hoo!!!!”

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