How Not To Get A Guy

Bad boys can be bad for your emotional health

OMG! Not another big news story about a cheating celebrity!

However, I have to comment on this Huffington Post article titled So What Part of Bad Boy Was Unclear Sandra Dear?
The male author of this article doesn’t show much sympathy for Sandra Bullock in her choice of men and refers to her, Jennifer Anniston, and Elin Woods as smart, decent women with lots of options. He condescendingly goes on to say “To think that somehow you, my dear reader, are better than those ladies and would never fall into the same trap is …a mistake…i.e. the notion that bad stuff only happens to other people.” He proceeds to offer seven tips to spot and avoid bad boys, some of which make sense, and others which I don’t necessarily accept as good indicators of a bad boy.

First of all, I don’t believe many women are thinking they’re better than Sandra.

In all the reports I’m hearing, both women and men are feeling sorry for Sandra, whose husband has been cheating on her with at least one and possibly more women. Only 2 weeks earlier Sandra won the Academy award for best actress and choked back tears as she acknowledged him as the first man who has “had her back”, meaning he has looked out for her best interests and supported her. What humiliation she must be suffering now! When I saw Jesse James on The Apprentice TV show last year, I thought he was a pretty cool guy, solid and straightforward. But now, along with most women out there, I agree she should kick him to the curb for his deceit and betrayal.

Okay, but here’s where I must agree with the article. Any guy who’s an admitted bad boy with a fully tattooed body and a name like Jesse James is bound to be trouble in the long run. A bad boy can be fun and exciting, and maybe you can tone him down and polish him up to look like he’s settled down, but the fact is, none of us can change who he truly is.

To me this is a classic example of how NOT to get a guy, unless you’re just interested in a fling as the author asserts.

It’s an updated version of a typical fantasy from old movies and romance novels: the beautiful, classy, and spunky little woman meets the irreverent bad boy, and he’s so taken with her that he changes his naughty ways and promises to be true to her forever. (He may very well mean it at the time and believe that it takes a woman like this to get him to settle down). She blindly sees his “potential” and revels in the fantasy that her enchanting charms are powerful enough to transform this man into a new person from the inside out. Uh, no. Can we please stop thinking this is how to get a guy?

I have to agree with the author that if you want a man who’s a candidate for lasting love, the bad boy fantasy doesn’t work. When the right man comes along, it should be comfortable and easy – free from drama and problems that you need to fix before the relationship can work. Also, it’s important that you know yourself, be very clear about what you want in a man, and what you value in a relationship. The red flags will then be more obvious and you’re not likely to fall into this trap.

Do love and life differently: Your role and value as a woman in a man’s life cannot be achieved through caretaking or changing who he is.

Have you ever experienced the bad boy syndrome, and if so, what happened?


2 Responses to “How Not To Get A Guy”

  1. Donna Bogardus Says:
    October 31st, 2010 at 4:47 am

    Deb you had such an effect on my life for many years and have always wanted to say “thank you” from the bottom of my heart.

    I have changed so many things and thinking, so much based on things you suggested to me years ago. I have now traced my ancestral history, and much to my surprise I am Dutch and Norwegian, with a bit of English thrown in. Thank you for so many things in my life.
    Your friend from years ago.

  2. Deb Says:
    October 31st, 2010 at 5:48 am

    Thanks so much for your kind words. Did I know you by another last name? I’m sorry I can’t make a connection.

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