How to Get a Man by Getting Real

Authenticity IS the new sexy!

Today we hear the word “authentic” used a lot.

Just about everyone I know thinks they’re authentic—you know, real, genuine, I am who I am, etc. I always thought I was authentic because I’m light-hearted, kind, down-to-earth, want to see the best in everyone, really like people, and most people seem to like me. Plus, I love sharing, problem solving, and helping others. Doesn’t that sound authentic?

Well, it turns out I was deluding myself by thinking that all these wonderful things made me authentic. I’ve learned over many years of working on self-improvement and personal growth that most of us are not being authentic or true to ourselves at all. Real authenticity is when your thoughts, words, feelings, and actions are in alignment and you don’t confuse yourself and others with mixed messages and energy. When you’re consistent in your expression, you know what you stand for and you’re more centered, calm, and clear. You’re able to speak your mind and let others know how you feel and what you want.

I was light years away from that!

I was playing a role that I took on in my childhood that told me this is the way I have to be for people to like me, listen to me, trust me, and basically think I’m a good person. That role was supposed to keep me safe and loved, and isn’t that what we all want? But somewhere along the way, I lost the REAL ME. I disconnected from my true feelings by pouring all my energy into other people and things in my day-to-day life. I grew up thinking this was the way I was supposed to be—sort of a combo of Mother Teresa and Jesus. You’ve heard the saying that you should give in order to receive? Well, I got the giving part down, but somehow I forgot about receiving. Actually, I believed that I WAS receiving by giving myself things like trips to the spa, traveling, buying nice clothes, getting my nails done, and going out with friends. I thought I was receiving like crazy! Don’t get me wrong, those were nice diversions, but I wasn’t receiving in the sense of being true to myself and acknowledging my deeper needs and feelings. Most of my energy was flowing out of me, but little was flowing back. I got caught in a vicious cycle, thinking I needed to do more and more for others in an effort to fill my own needs, but there was never enough. It was a lot of work and burned up a lot of energy!

Which brings me to the part about how to get a man by getting real.

One of the most important things I’ve learned over the years is that until I could understand how to be authentic and truly receive, there would never be enough of anything! I had to focus on my needs or I’d continue to play my old role, ensuring that the right man would never show up. I would keep leaking my energy with men and feel drained and empty, like a part of me was repressed and trying to break out but didn’t know how. That part of me was my heart and soul asking to be acknowledged, loved, and fed by me, the authentic me.

I realized that finding a man who truly sees you, loves and values all that you are—and having an authenticity-based relationship—requires that you look inside yourself and know who you are and what your heart and soul desires. And you must believe that you deserve to have it. That’s what I did to finally meet the man of my dreams.

It wasn’t easy! I had to practice receiving, starting in small ways.

For example, if a friend gives me a compliment on a blouse, I might have said in the past, “Oh, I’ve had this for years.” Instead, now I look at her directly and say, “Thank you, I love it too!” Feel the difference in the energy of those two responses? The second one is fully receiving the compliment, and believe it or not, you are honoring the person who gave the compliment by acknowledging her appropriately. So you both end up receiving. Another example is when my husband cleaned the kitchen after a party while I went to bed. At one time, I would have walked through my sparkling kitchen the next morning and thought, “Thank God I didn’t have to clean up that mess!” That would be the old drained Deb. Instead, I realized it was really thoughtful of him and he had done something to please me. I thanked him and let him know how much I appreciated walking into a clean kitchen. That response is the filled-up Deb. It was a beautiful exchange of giving and receiving on seemingly such a simple thing.

So, the bottom line is that if you’re not being true to yourself, not being honest about your own wants and needs, then you’re discounting your value and you’re not authentic. How can you expect to get a man who honors your needs if you don’t do it yourself? When you’re clear about what you want and know you deserve it, the man of your dreams will see you and value the true you. That’s when you’ll find a truly ideal partner.

Do love and life differently: Practice receiving and being truly authentic by re-orienting your thoughts to what you want and what feels good to you.


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