I Want To Find My Soulmate, Or Is There Such A Thing?

your soulmate is out there somewhere

Romantic fantasy is a topic I’ve talked about before, and it’s worth bringing up again since it relates to our desire to find that one person – the only one – who we’re meant to be with forever. When I coach women, they often say, “I want to find my soulmate.” It’s true that most women (and probably men too) hold onto the belief that there’s a soulmate out there who is meant for them alone, and that there’s a mystical connection that bonds them as life partners.

With each new man we fall in love with, we want to believe that fate brought us together, and the evidence is all our synchronicities and things we have in common. Add physical chemistry to the mix, and you have the makings of: “This must be him – my soulmate.” Often we cling to this idea regardless of his mistreatment of us, his philandering, or emotional problems.

I’m always stunned by the women candidates on the TV reality show The Bachelor.

Even after the bachelor dumps a woman, she’ll tearfully say that he could have been her soulmate and that he didn’t give her a chance. If there is such a thing as a soulmate, I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be mutual. You can’t be his soulmate if he doesn’t feel that way. You can’t convince a man to see you for who you really are or to love you. None of us likes rejection, as it’s painful to realize we’re not accepted, liked, or loved by someone we love. But trying to force or obligate a man into giving your relationship a chance is not in your best interest. Rarely does it work out long-term. If he’s not feeling it, you should walk away.

This is often the point where our romantic fantasy traps us into believing we can somehow change him (and ourselves) and how he feels about our relationship. Because so many aspects of the relationship seem to bond us deeply together, the assumption is that we just need to change this or that thing, and then he’ll see “how good we are together.” We become self-appointed therapists who understand what he needs and how his life could be so much better if he would just do this or that.

We women have a tendency to want to solve the problem, caretake, support, and nurture the relationship back to health. We believe our love can heal any problem. We do have wonderful holistic capabilities and are able to see the big picture of what would make things better, but the problem is that we cannot control a man’s own personal path. And as hard as it may be to accept, that path may not include you. Ouch! I know.

We have to stop and ask ourselves: If we have to work so hard to keep him, how is he our soulmate? And how could we believe that each man we were in love with was THE ONE? Is it that the soulmate idea is a fantasy? Or could it be that we can have many soulmates?

Personally, I believed in soulmates at one time. But by the time I’d gone through two divorces and a broken long-term relationship, the idea seemed like fantasy to me, a happenstance romantic illusion. The term felt as if I was waiting for a man to come along to rescue or complete me, or like conjoined lovers attached at the heart, which felt a bit too needy for me. Instead, I decided to call him my dream man which felt more like I was intentionally going to attract a man who would fulfill my dreams for a loving, respectful, joyful, and harmonious partnership.

I never gave up on the idea of finding love, but I did abandon the idea of some magical intervention. As an independent woman who enjoyed freedom in my life and making my own decisions, I took a proactive and intentional approach to finding my dream man by defining exactly what I wanted in my relationship and our life together. Even though I described him and our life together in a story form in great detail, I let go of attachment to the outcome by deciding that I’d keep an open mind about what he would look like and who he would be. And if he didn’t show up, I was still going to be happy. Of course, when I finally let go of the outcome, he showed up! By some definitions I did find my soulmate, but I never thought of him that way. I prefer to view him as a lifelong compatible partner who loves me unconditionally and supports me in all of my dreams. And I happen to be crazy about him.

Do Love and Life Differently: Call him what you want, but what matters is that he’s the man who loves who you are and complements your way of navigating the highs and lows of life.

What about you…do you believe in soulmates? I love to hear your thoughts below.

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