Love Lessons"Before doing my story, I had
never even thought about many
of the things in the story
template, and they’re important."
V.B.
There IS a better way to attract him
is that you rarely see an image of a woman choosing a man or deciding if he’s right for her. After viewing literally hundreds of online photos of women interacting with men, I confirmed my opinion. Women are most often depicted as flirtatious, seductive, angry, condescending, stuck up, jealous, or aggressive with men. It seems we’re portrayed in two extremes: either sexy or bitchy. These depictions stir up my thoughts about women’s historically limited perspectives on how to attract men.
Our media and movies tend to reinforce outdated mating and courting (now there’s an ancient word!) behaviors, sending messages that this sort of behavior is how to attract men. The so-called rules for dating and partnering need to change from game-playing to being real, direct, honest, and self-honoring. After all, once you attract a man and then play the games to gain his commitment or love, what happens after you’ve won the prize?
• Do you live happily ever after in a perfect fantasy?
• Do you expect him to suddenly have an awakening and begin to treat you better than he did earlier in your relationship?
• Or did you get him to concede to pressure and agree to your terms, or even to change his ways?
A gigantic myth that we simply must discard is that we can change a man. And—to top off the illusion—that to change a man is the ultimate feminine conquest, the epitome of proof of his true love. Some how we’ve accepted this behavior as conventional wisdom and just the way it works. We accept a statement such as “men are afraid of commitment” and then take on the role as women to convince them to commit to us. And guess what? Many men believe claims such as, “women want to tie men down and control them.” Both statements are outmoded and should be evaluated by men and women to understand the basis of these thoughts and decide what your approach is to partnering.
For example, you might ask yourself these questions:
• Do you have expectations for a man to commit to monogamy after a certain period of time dating?
• Do you expect to move in together or get a proposal after an additional period of time together?
• Once you’re married, do you have hopes that he’ll want children as soon as you want them—or want no children at all?
• Then, do you presume such things as: he will only go out with his friends occasionally, and perhaps not take separate vacations since you’re now married?
It’s important to get clear about your expectations and be honest up front with a prospective partner, before things get too far along in the relationship.
I’m not suggesting you present your man-search checklist and scare him off after a few dates. However, I have to admit that I did tell my husband on our first date about the things that matter to me in a relationship and in my life. I was very comfortable talking to him openly, since by that time, I’d made a commitment to myself to look past the physical and just get to know new men without pre-judging them as romantic candidates. I was being myself and talked to him in the same way I’d chat with a friend. I thought he was a nice guy who seemed interesting, but I had no clue he was even my type—that is, until we started dancing and he brushed my lips with a kiss. Suddenly, he was much more interesting!
The most important part of getting clear about your expectations of your man is that it will help you know how you want your man to relate to you. What does he expect of you, and does he have certain presumptions about what commitment, moving in together, or marriage means? Why does it have to be a guessing game or sort of a make-it-up-as-you-go-along in the relationship? That approach is destined for disaster.
It’s long past the time for the so-called battle of the sexes to transition into harmonious partnerships based on your honest feelings and emotional needs. As intelligent, proactive women, don’t you think it’s time to join together and make a united pact to create new perspectives around relating to the opposite sex? We took a giant leap in the 1970s to change how women were treated and viewed in the workplace. We can lead the way now in setting new standards, expectations, and higher ideals in partnering—starting with our beliefs around how to attract men.
What are your thoughts on new ways of dating? Feel free to share below.
3 Responses to “How To Attract Men In A New Way”
Aliza Corrado Says:
Great article Deb–I’ve just forwarded this to my young adult daughters. I can’t imagine how life might have been different if I had contemplated some of these themes before marrying my husband. Thanks very much!
Aliza Corrado Says:
Quick follow-up. I don’t want to imply I would have done anything differently, I love how my life has turned out, it’s just that the notion that we can be more real and open with a potential partner without flirtation or games, and more direct about choosing a relationship is compelling to me now as a larger concept.
Deb Says:
Thank you for your comments Aliza. It’s a new world today and we need to evolve beyond romantic fantasy. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVED the flirting and romance with men–the endorphin highs that got my head swirling; but I also recognized that I could enjoy that part of the dating game without slipping into a fantasy of “this is it”; he’s the ONE, and we’ll live happily ever after. In my book I talk about dating in observation vs. desperation mode. It’s a different way of approaching dating that re-orients your thinking to “what’s right for me” rather than how can I be more appealing so he’ll choose me.
