Love Lessons"Before doing my story, I had
never even thought about many
of the things in the story
template, and they’re important."
V.B.
The man of my dreams understands my need for space
Before I met him, when I thought of the man of my dreams (who’s actually my current husband), I knew I needed much more than a list of qualities. I recognized that something had to change in either the way I was pursuing the man of my dreams or in my expectations for him and our relationship together. It turned out to be both.
I needed to get clear about what I wanted, which may sound simple to some of you, but I assure you it wasn’t easy. After two previous marriages and a couple of long-term relationships, a light bulb finally snapped on making me aware of the perspective from which I’d been pursuing a partnership. I wanted a romantic partnership, not the traditional concept of a relationship or marriage from my mother’s era. So in thinking through my desires and expectations, many issues came to light that previously I wouldn’t have considered.
• Getting permission from a man to do something versus simply being considerate of his opinion or plans:
~ Suppose I want a girlfriend weekend getaway that’s affordable and doesn’t interfere with other plans my partner and I have? Or what if he wants a buddy weekend?
• Putting all of my earnings into a joint household pot and eliminating my personal checking account:
~Would that dilute my personal power and privacy? Would it dilute his?
• Setting rules about how late we can be out with friends and “appropriate” times for being at home:
~What if there are no concerns about trust, loyalty, or excessive drinking?
~What if there were concerns? Should there be concerns?
• Fearing what others will think if one of us is seen out to lunch or a drink with the opposite sex:
~What if it’s business?
~What if it’s a mutual, trusted friend? A relative?
• Feeling guilty for enjoying clothes shopping, even though my partner may spend an equivalent amount of money golfing or on some other activity:
~What if he’s judgmental and insists his money is well spent on healthy exercise versus my trendy clothes?
~Should I feel guilty about my personal pleasures?
My dream man knows I keep my own checking account, my dog, spa days …
but I seriously doubt most women or men think about most of these questions before getting emotionally involved. Some how we think that love will conquer all and naturally resolve these issues amicably. As it turns out, these little issues can become huge problems and topics of conflict that destroy relationships. They’re important to consider and resolve up front, because they reflect:
• how you perceive your partner’s role, as well as your own
• your personal sense of security and confidence and therefore
expectations
• your needs, values and the way you navigate life
Are they based on:
• religious doctrine?
• jealousy and distrust?
• past experiences?
• what others may think?
• double standards between men and women?
• women’s natural guilt in giving to ourselves?
• parent-child or dominant-submissive role models from parents?
Shouldn’t we rethink these rules and standards and update ourselves to the 21st century?
Or should I just shut up and go sidle up to the man of my dreams who–thank goodness– is on the same page as me? I attracted the perfect partner for me by getting very clear, honest, and not settling. That’s why I created my Online Story Creator to help other women do the same as I did and find the man who fulfills your needs and navigates life the way you do.
What do you think? I’d love to have your comments below.
