by Deb Garraway
February 3, 2011
If you’re not already a veteran texter, you’ll probably succumb to the trend eventually—it’s just so convenient.
And if you have kids still at home, then you know how texting makes it easier to keep track of them and remind them of what you think should be important. But what about dating and texting? A new study reveals that a woman who’s been texting with a guy before meeting him is apt to find him more appealing. That makes some sense to me—if the guy is articulate and comfortable being charming electronically. But it also concerns me that some of us are starting to rely on text messages more than actual conversations. When the whole goal is to say what you want to say in as few words or characters as possible, how can you really expect to communicate the emotional subtleties of dating? An emoticon will never be a substitute for an actual smile shared across a table while his hand lingers on yours. (more…)
by Deb Garraway
January 12, 2011
Before you think I’ve lost my mind, let me explain.
If you aren’t already a happy person or happy with the rest of your life, meeting a great guy can’t fix that.Happiness is an inside job—only you can make yourself happy. Sure, falling in love can certainly improve your mood and your life, but it won’t magically transform someone who is depressed or otherwise inherently dissatisfied into a chirpy smiley face.
In recent years scientists have legitimized the study of happiness, and they are discovering that some of us just aren’t all that happy to begin with, and aren’t likely to move too far along the joy continuum no matter what we do. I bring this up, because it’s another facet of the myth that a mate can complete you in some way. It’s another way of looking outside yourself for answers you can only find within. You need to bring an already completed personality to the dating arena. I believe a soulmate can complement your personality, but it’s expecting too much from a man to think he will cure a basic unhappiness. (more…)
by Deb Garraway
January 5, 2011
Then there's the crib, clothes, babysitters....
This post is a continuation of my last post related to John,
who he gets home most weeknights at 9:00 p.m. instead of 6:00 p.m., which upsets Mary since he misses 3 hours of evening time that could be shared with her. Thus, arguments ensue. Below are the next steps (#3 and #4) based on the “method” described in my previous post, along with my comments:
3. Invent Options for Mutual Gain
Sometimes situations seem impossible to resolve and your options appear limited; it seems like an either/or situation. Or it appears that it’s the other person’s problem to figure out for themselves. Most people see negotiating a problem as trying to narrow the gap between positions instead of expanding the potential alternatives. The method does not suggest approaching negotiation from those perspectives. It suggests the following process to come up with creative options: (more…)
by Deb Garraway
December 29, 2010
The love of my life is really annoying me
This post is dedicated to women who are in new romances with their potential “man of my dreams”
and also those in committed relationships or even married. Having an M.B.A. background, I’m always interested in relating what I learned in business school to romantic partnerships. I’ve just finished reading an outstanding book about how to negotiate agreement without giving in called Getting to Yes by Fisher, Ury and Patton. Based on a Harvard study and written in 1981, the method, described as “principled negotiation”, is still very applicable today.
I believe this method would be very useful if applied to our personal and romantic relationships. The premise is that mutual agreements in any conflict can be achieved without getting angry or ending in a win-lose proposition, in which one party feels they were taken advantage of or perhaps compromised too much. (more…)
by Deb Garraway
December 22, 2010
Your perfectly imperfect soulmate
Whenever I hear anyone say, “no one is perfect” or “no relationship is perfect”, I get a little annoyed.
It’s not that I disagree with the literal meaning of either statement, but I wonder why anyone would even want to be with Mr. Perfect. I’ve been in relationships in which I thought I did find my soulmate and wanted to believe he was perfect in every way. Well, I got over that fantasy eventually.
Perfectionism—in this case meaning extremely high expectations in someone or for everything to be smooth-going with no rough spots–is an unrealistic illusion.
Perfection in My Soulmate
Perfection has many different standards to everyone, including some of the unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves for what
we think we should be or become for a man.
(more…)
Love Lessons
